or as busy as they used to be, but that's not exactly true. It's just I miss my impressionable days when I discovered new theories and philosophies that I could swallow or ease inside of me and let become part of me with such satisfaction because they'd been so obviously missing before, and the years I clung to rebellious ideas as my life force. Now they're less my life force, and more the force of my life, predictable and mundane. Now it's like, alright, one more idea to add to my repertoir, that's really pretty damn obvious/ nothing new. Just more evidence for the indictments issued by my formerly acquired concepts.

OR it's personal betterment crap that, I mean, I've gotten kind of into lately but I'm really not that type. It's more rewarding than the stuff I'm more into, though, just because it's new.

I get so jealous/ borderline vindictive towards my classmates who actually think they're being enlightened by our college experience. Feminist theory? Queer theory? Come on, this is neither 9th grade nor is it the seventies. Die by postmodernism? You probably should, because if you think you're talking about anything substantive right now you.... Okay, stopping. Too mean.

I try to suppress it but... daddy's girl who barely knows poor people exist learning about race and class conflict in the form of Nickel and Dimed and thinking she's a better citizen for it when daddy's an oil tycoon going to jail for investor fraud? Yes, that rant does describe and actual person who I've actually eaten with on several occasions. SOOO depressing. And such intellectual immaturity and debauchery and entitlement EVERYWHERE. It's sickening. I feel like I'm in a Dickens novel.

I want something to churn under my skin and threaten to kill me if it doesn't come out. Something to grip me in a chokehold and demand I perform.

Vitality. Urgency. I need some.

It's like I know too much shit now, about the world's general shittiness, and I just feel helpless most of the time. Disillusionment is painful. I need an internship so I can actually feel like I'm doing something to combat the shittiness. I felt good when I was working for Bama. Can you undo disillusionment? I kind of felt like I had when we elected Bama but....

An hour ago I was feeling happy and thinking about how wonderful studying abroad would be if I stayed at American. This blog has me slashing the idea again. I'm pretty sure at least some of the above problems would be largely solved if I could regularly attend classes like the ones I attended at Barnard.

This topic is getting so tedious. As is the boys topic. My friends and I need to stop discussing these.

"I can see a lot of life in you" just came on. Thank you, Sufjan Stevens.

I'm gonna go to Bonnarooooo!!! How could that not be inspiring ( :

Break has been inspiring so far. It's going well.

in the most wonderfully mundane ways.

Status: funeral for a ladybug friend drowned in the cup of the tiptoeing elephant foot.

Kimberly

what does your status mean?

11:12pmKate

i literally have a cup in the shape of an elephant foot that i got from a zoo, and elephants actually always walk in a sort of tiptoe anatomically

and i just picked up the foot and saw a ladybug had drowned in it

11:13pmKimberly

awwwww

that sounds like an awesome cuppp

poor ladybugg

">

how are you going to do this funeral thingg?

11:14pmKate

holy shit he wasnt dead!

11:15pmKimberly

waaaaatttt

11:15pmKate

i just resurrected him as a christmas song about christ was playing!

hahaha

11:15pmKimberly

holyyyy crap

sounds like christmas magic to meeeeee

11:15pmKate

i knowwwwww

this break never stops being epic in so many mundane ways

What was it?

Oooooh yes. I'm starting to realize how boring and purposeless the adult world is likely to be, and it's scaring me.

I'm still thinking about transferring, but I also have a SICK apartment with three REALLY wonderful people, so maybe I can finally find some solid ground here. The apartment is seriously a heavenly oasis. It actually competes with home for spectacularity. We have a balcony that overlooks both woods and, in the distance, the National Cathedral. Annnd there's a pool on the roof. Annnnd 3 of the four of us would like to be writers/ write something some day, and the fourth is a painter and a singer. One of them is years ahead of my in Arabic and can help me. Everyone has great music taste. It's like a goddamn artist colony.

I'm also getting bogged down by whether studying abroad is feasible, considering credits, and whether I can justify taking creative writing classes and the classes I think I'll love, and getting internships, and starting/ leading clubs, and how to make teachers love me for letters of recommendation, and, basically, how to be perfect.

Also, I've finally decided I'm gonna major in the School of International Service with a concentrations in Peace and Conflict Resolution and a geographical area that is TBD. BUT I'm scared of the prospects of 4 semesters of a language, especially since I'm taking Arabic this semester and don't actually want to study in any Arabic-speaking countries because I don't like men taking my clothes off with their eyes and not even trying to hide it.

The hellish pledging process will finally be over when I'm inducted Sunday AT SUNRISE (you can't even see the sunrise here, I don't get it). I'm gonna chair the catering committee for AU's dance marathon for pediatric AIDs, so hopefully that's fun.

I'm visiting Julie at Columbia next weekend, so I think that may be the deciding time for whether transferring is worth it- whether other schools actually are the oases of enlightenment they're supposed to be- whether it will serve my long-term best interests considering the set-up I have here being in the honors program and other programs and what not. I just want to be enlightened. I want teachers to blow my mind on a consistent basis, rather than one a semester. I want my friends to blow my mind, make me laugh, entertain me on a consistent basis rather than having, basically, four good friends worth talking to.

I'm REALLY looking forward to the day I can look back on this email and laugh at how stressed and apprehensive I was about my college career's implications for the future.

of what the guy next to me is reading.
It said something like
"Worms used to be the primary form of malicious attacks........."

I assume it's about computers or something, but it's still funny.

((I usually dislike the mystified concept of hope, but I like this one.))




One side: painted all black with tiny, nearly unnoticeable speck of white in the middle.
Reverse:

There's still hope
There always is