I used to get all these ideas of conversations I was going to have with people or things I was going to tell people.... Now I think about things I'm gonna write even more. It's kinda depressing... but I've always wanted to keep a journal. It's probably more practical than telling people anyways....

I wish, and I know this is gonna sound... actually I have no idea how this is going to sound but... I wish I had a larger capacity for love. Not to say I'm incapable of it, because there are some kinds that I think I feel even more than most people, but I'm talking about a different kind of love. I'm talking about Mother Theresa love (haha, this is the second time I've mentioned her in a blog and I really know nothing about her.)

But honestly, it really does bother me. It's one of my greatest worries. I truly believe it limits me as a person. I'm always worrying about my limits... but that's cuz I have so freakin' many of them. Not that I'm all bad: in fact, I think I'd be a pretty good mate.... But I see myself more as the partner that makes the kid welll-rounded or something. Maybe I'm the secret ingredient or something, but like all secret ingredients ( they're always disgusting: that's why they're secret) by myself without being diluted by genetics... meh that's all I have to say.

Everything sounds harsher and like a downer on this but I'm really saying this more in a "hmmm... isn't this interesting" kind of way....

Anyways... generally I don't want to have children. But then I think that if I end up reproducing with some really perfect guy then I would want to, just for the sake of the world. But it might not really be for the sake of the world. Really the reason I think I might want it is I think I might be living through my child before it's even gotten out of the hypothetical desirability phase. But I think it's awesome the ability to improve as the years go on. I feel like my kid is me, except everything I can't be and basically better than me in every way. And don't think I haven't thought about it before: Jason'd make me some pretty damn good babies since he is a freakin' genius to the nth degree.

But wowzers I've gotten off topic....

Anyways... so: I am not really a compassionate person. I am, very much so, when you're talking about issues and for all the right reasons. My heart physically hurts, I shake/tremble, I feel like I'm about to cry, I mean I FEEL. But... my weakness is when it comes to everyday interactions with people. Actually, people have often said how nice and accepting I am... which is true in theory. I really enjoy waving at people and what not.

But sometimes I look at people in rather inhumane ways. Actually, this part I'm not really sorry for: I read a quote today, I don't remember who by

"For those who think the world is a comedy; for those who feel the world is a tragedy."

The thinking/ comedy part of my personality has me do these things, and they sound like they might be callous or mean, but they're really not at all.

This is one of the things: I have been know to pick people to become my goal or project.... I don't know what it is about them: I don't go looking for them, it just hits me one day and I have to have them. I basically just want to befriend them... but they're really more than a friend thing. There are lots of people I want to befriend. I'm talking, I literally choose them out of everyone as the person I calculatively pursue. Some are ones I have to work for, others I have to work on. It's not like I've done this a lot: it's really just 3, 4, 5 people, because they're just the people that for one reason or another really jump out to me and I just want them. It's really a compliment to them actually, and I just amuse myself by thinking of it in this playful way.

Actually though, lot's of people have told me I've made a big impact in their lives but it's mainly just because I actually care... I want to hear about them and learn about them and know them like a book you know? More than most people I think. So for people that haven't had others in their lives like that it really means something. And there's another place where I'm extra-ordinarily compassionate.

And you say, sounds like you're pretty into yourself... I thought you were gonna be hating. Sorry guys, I'm getting there.

Okay... so giving people personal attention and letting them know you care is all fine and dandy... but them realizing that  they're really not that special to you isn't. And that's what happens a lot of the time. Because this is where I sound like a really bad person, and I am ashamed of this, but I honestly believe that everyone has stuff just a bad as this but that they just don't tell or acknowledge it to themselves. I get bored of people....

And actually that doesn't sound that bad... but it is very very bad.

I've only recently realized how bad it is.

I've seen it in friends eyes. Some of those friends who really gave themselves over to me and trusted me and thought I loved them... I think I've really hurt them. And maybe you think this sounds self-important but... it would be interesting to ask some of these people I'm thinking about right now. Maybe I will.

But I think I've really hurt them. And I feel really bad. And I would never have wanted to and they did mean a lot to me, but maybe not as much as I meant to them. It's a relationship thing: your elementary principal changes your life, but he probably doesn't remember your name. A lot of my brother's friends: David, Andrew, and church/band boys: Jonathan, Scott, Nathan meant so much to me. And I was never really the "respect/look up to the older kids" person. But they do. And sometimes it makes me really sad to think that I probably don't mean nearly as much to them as they do to me. But who knows.

Anyways....

So there's the relationship thing where they realize that I have had and perhaps have a whole lot of personal relationships like the one they're had with me. Also, it's important to note that these people I'm talking about are almost always, let's say, underdogs. They're not the most popular kid in the class. That's what makes the difference. So anyways there's that: and that really depresses me cuz I don't think it should illegitimize our relationship but I think it does sometimes.

But then there's the boredom factor. I have ridiculously high standards... a lot of people might say it was one of the worst things about me. Though I wouldn't necessarily call them standards, morelike expectations, cuz like Jason never understands I'm not really upset when he doesn't meet them I just want him to know and try. But anyways... people have called me critical. But I'd like to defend myself by saying I really am harder on myself, even though until recently I really hated the "you're your toughest critic" thing but its true. And these people I choose as my "projects." They become the apple of my eye, my picture of perfection: I'm getting them to come out to me so I can see them in all their glory. But... they're never the gloriful creatures I hoped they would be. And honestly, once I find that kink in the chain, I basically feel like throwing them out. Cuz at this point they tell me everything and really have a bond with me so they're all over me but now... it's not the same.

Often I've blamed my dissatisfaction on the people around me, saying once I get to college I'll be so much happier because I'll find people who really make me happy and who I want to be with: but I'm starting to think it's my fault and that won't happen. But maybe I've known that all along: maybe that's why I've always run from place to place, activity to activity and why I want to move far far away and have a job where I don't ever settle. Actually, I'm sure that's always been my motivation. Pick up and get out before my "projects" forfeit their god-like status. Life in a series of surreal photographs and memories: suspended in perfection for eternity. But also because I'm scared and don't want to get attached. That's why I didn't want relationships: maybe that's why I'm always looking for imperfections... because when it comes down to it I don't even want it. Like Sarah Jessica Parker: Maybe she didn't want to be happy. Maybe she, rather than big, was the one that couldn't be tamed.

But there's actually one exception to the boredom rule, there's one person who, even though I've found plenty of their imperfections, none of them have made me lose interest in them. That either sounds horrible or like not that big of a deal but it really is. It's amazing that someone actually managed to do it. I've tried to figure out why the heck this person works... so to speak. There are certainly people who are on my list who never ruined it, but mostly it was just because I didn't get to know them well enough. I'm sure if I spent more time it would seep out. My people products have very different life spans: some I'm disappointed by in moments of meeting them, other could take months. So I've finally found my Roman god... the problem is he doesn't let me play with him like the others. So, though I would say one person has finally managed to avoid my disappointment, I still haven't got the soulmate or the friend I've been looking for. And wow, if he read this: he would never understand what I was saying. He always jumps to conclusions and thinks I'm a bad person instead of letting me help him understand what I'm saying. Cuz I always know that if I could really get him to understand of course he wouldn't judge me like that.... But I don't think he understands the harsh way I say things. You have to sift through and figure out what's exaggerated and realize that this isn't any worse than what other people think, it's just brutally honest and lots of people never think to think about it.

I really don't think I've conveyed what I was meaning to convey at all.

I just ranted.

But I'll look back and figure out what I'm missing later.